Are you trying to BE right or DO right?
This is a common question at our house as I attempt to referee lively sibling discussions.
Tad R. Callister teaches the same concept in a different form: principles vs. rules. The concept rings true to our parenting attempts.
Callister asked, “Why is it more effective to teach principles than rules?…First, rules are often limited to one or perhaps a few specific situations, while principles generally have much broader application. Second, principles create an environment that maximize agency while rules tend to minimize agency by restricting, sometimes even dictating our choices.”
A couple of life examples come to mind.
One of our young teens was enamored with books I term to be “brain candy” — -brainless entertainment in a fantasy world. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with such entertainment. I love a good “escape” read myself, but then came the day that we began to question the appropriateness of such books during the Sabbath Day, the Lord’s Day. My first inclination was to forbid these books and encourage other uplifting activities, but through the Holy Ghost, Heavenly Father prompted my thoughts to go another direction.
Instead, this teen and I got out our scriptures and discussed why God created the Sabbath Day. We looked up what He had to say on the subject through ancient and modern prophets, asked questions, and allowed this child reach their own conclusions on Sabbath Day Observance based on these truths. THEN we talked about how we choose to spend our time on the Lord’s Day, including what we choose to read. LATER, that child decided for herself to not read “brain candy” books on Sunday. What’s more, in the process she gained her own testimony of Sabbath Day worship.
Did my husband and I do that? Not on your life. Can you see the pattern that our real job as a parent is to turn the child to the One who has all the answers and to pray like crazy that they will choose to listen?
And what if they don’t choose to listen?
Callister has also stated, “…what if a child does not make the right choice…? Then,…we may need to step back and implement some rules until the time of spiritual maturity is attained….We use principles whenever we can so as to maximize the agency and growth of our children, but if they cannot “handle” principles, then we implement the fewest rules necessary until they arrive at that point.”
Example number two: Two children, two years apart, two different genders, two very different sets of interests plus one desired seat in the car equals big trouble! We could not pull out of our driveway because the contention in the back was becoming so intense. Mom was summoned to referee.
The principles were pulled out first. “Are we trying to BE right or DO right?” Child’s jaw sets tighter. I make a second attempt: “What is the right thing to do here? You know she was out of her seat to buckle-in a younger sibling like I asked her to do.”
Pause. “I’m just going to sit here,” was the tight lipped response.
A final plea: “I need one of you to be a peacemaker here.”
Arms fold across the chest.
And that was the end of the principles. Child was not ready to handle the higher law. The family rule about vehicle seating was laid out and the child moved locations.
Later, out of the heat of the moment, I asked, “What could I have done differently?” The child answered, “Nothing. I was just being stubborn, and I knew it.” We hugged, and I assured the child that I understood the difficulty of those situations but had confidence that the next time it would be handled better.
Weeks later, same two children were having a similar issue, this time over one person playing music while the other was practicing the piano. Mother was summoned again. Principles were laid out twice. No positive responses. Finally I pointed out the similarities in this circumstance and the vehicle incident. The child in question removed themselves immediately. Progress!
We are slowly figuring this out. Some days I feel it would be TONS easier to just lay down to law and throw my ducks into the rows they are supposed to be marching in, but I know that is not the Savior’s way. Jesus Christ died so we can have the ability to choose good over evil, and that’s the opportunity I want my children to have.
